4 Ways To Redirect a Tantrum

Every parent will find themselves feeling out of control when their child is screaming, yelling or throwing a fit. Most adults have seen these epic grocery store tantrums and probably had a thought like, “That parent cannot control their child,” or “Whoa, I would never respond that way.” Or in the privacy of your home, you feel completely at a loss of how to stop these constant power struggles with your child. In a moment of dysregulation, we can all find ourselves unsure of how to respond to our very irrational child.

There are many different approaches out in the world of parenting. But when you look at the basics of most advice available, there are several core foundations that lead to change in your child’s behavior and more importantly in YOU as the parent.

Be calm

This is so easy to say, but so difficult to achieve. You as the parent must be in a mental capacity to understand that your own brain is so much more developed than your child’s. Your child’s brain is still connecting all the wiring to integrate their emotional and logical thinking. By staying calm, your mind can think clearly in how to handle the “chaotic” episode. Unsure of how to regulate yourself? Check out this blog.

Create safety and connection

Get down on your child’s level – eye to eye. Tell your child that they are safe and you can handle their big feelings. This cannot be overlooked. Your child needs to hear you reaffirm that you will not leave them when these big feelings overtake them. Big feelings can be scary, and if you abandon them when they feel scared, they will then also feel alone and shamed in their feelings. Offer a hug or a safe touch that allows them to feel connected to you. Some children may not want to be touched and that’s ok. You can still connect with them by letting them know you will be right here if they change their mind.

Validate their experience

Reflect on your child’s emotions. They clearly are not using their verbal skills to communicate how they are feeling, but rather showing you how they are feeling. Say something like, “You are feeling so mad,” or “That must be so frustrating.” Help them feel heard and provide them with feeling words.

Redirect

Now is the time to help them find a solution. Offer them choices within the boundaries of what needs to happen to move through these negative feelings. As the parent, you need to keep control of the situation, but you can allow them some control and power within reason.

You can change your child’s response to big feeling by providing them with consistent love and validation of their experiences. By doing this, you yourself will begin to change your own emotional and behavioral responses.

If this feels too overwhelming and you are still not sure to start, finding a parent coach (providing you with goals to work on) or therapist (to work on negative thoughts or deeper issues; anxiety, depression, trauma) can support you in being the parent you want to be for your children. There is no perfect parent, only a parent who accepts imperfections and strives for growth and change.

Disclaimer: This is in no way a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. Reading this blog or responding to it does not constitute a provider-patient relationship.  If you are looking for a local mental health professional feel free to use the contact tab to request an appointment or search Psychology Today for local therapists in your area.  If this is a mental health emergency and you need immediate assistance please call 911 or your county’s crisis line to speak to a mental health professional.